The Interlude

Usually when I take a vacation, I book the cheapest hotel I can find. I’m just looking for a crash pad to land on in between 12-hour days exploring whatever city or national park I’m visiting. I want vacations to be adventures. The problem is I usually end trips more tired than when I started. 

So sometimes, I simply want to lay in a bed that isn’t my own and relax, far away from any responsibilities. While I could book a day at a fancy spa, my ultimate relaxation fantasy is a night at a retro hotel suite. 

These resorts are thought to be relics of the past. If any are still around, they’re more often than not considered impromptu porn sets: dingy rooms with shag carpets covered in mysterious stains from the 1970s, moldy bathtubs, and comforters ridden with bed bugs. In reality, many are still fully functional, and not only completely clean but incredibly delightful. Mid-century honeymoon suites are pure escapism. At the turn of a door knob, you’re suddenly transported to an underwater cave, rainforest, or Italian villa. 

These hotels always boast beautiful natural views or access to nearby museums and nightlife, but the rooms are so elaborately decorated because the real reason you’re checking in is to stay in the bedroom. They are theme parks for pleasure in all forms. Gaudy? Maybe to some. But to me, they embody kitsch and charm. Here are a few retro hotel suites I hope to visit.

The champagne glass hot tub at Cove Haven. Image via the hotel’s website.

Cove Haven in Pocono, Pennsylvania 

You can’t talk about honeymoon suites without talking about the Pocono Mountains. This lush, forested region of Pennsylvania is home to countless vacation spots, especially for newlyweds looking to escape nearby New York City. The crown jewel of the Poconos is Cove Haven — America’s first honeymoon suite. This honeymoon resort’s founder, a man named Morris Wilkins, built the first heart shaped tub in the 1950s. The idea caught on around the country. His other unique tub creation, however, is unique to Cove Haven: a 7-foot tall champagne glass tub. The room’s décor overall looks just fine, but who’s paying attention to couches and coffee tables when there’s a coupe glass the size of a basketball player in the room anyway? I want to sink into the suds while sipping on some actual bubbly. It’s all yours for $471 a night. Breakfast and dinner included.

Cosplay as Ariel in the seashell bed at Black Swan Inn. Image via the hotel’s website.

Black Swan Inn in Pocatello, Idaho

Black Swan Inn offers 14 different rooms with 14 unique, outlandish themes, from “The Wild West,” to “Arabian Nights.” My pick would be “The Sea Cave Suite,” available for $169 a night. The walls are painted with murals of lively coral reefs. The bathroom goes a step further, with fake rocks covering the walls, ceiling and bathtub, as well as actual aquariums in the walls! But the room’s main attraction is a gigantic clam shell bed complete with a round mattress and a pearl snuggled into the pearlescent pink headboard. A photo of this very bed on Tumblr is what kicked off my love for kitschy hotels many years ago. Ariel was always my favorite Disney Princess, and in this room I could splash around in the tub, comb my hair with a fork, and get one step closer to my childhood dream of being a mermaid.

The Carin room at Madonna Inn. Image via the hotel’s website.

Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, California 

When I was young, I didn’t let myself like the color pink. I was committed to being contrarian and not like other girls. Now that I’m an adult, I can admit it: I love pink! Therefore, I’m dying to stay in the “Carin” room at the Madonna Inn — the ultimate celebration of the hue. I want to rub my feet against the plush, pillowy magenta carpet. I want to lay under the warm glow of a chandelier held by a golden cherub. I want to take a selfie in front of the glittery wallpaper! “Carin” is only one of the hotel’s 110 rooms, and each looks as decadent as a perfectly iced cupcake and a masterclass in balancing mid-century kitsch with modern sophistication. Their rooms don’t have concrete themes so much as abstract concepts, but they’re still fantastical and captivating. “Carin” costs around $270 a night. 

The marshmallowy-mellowness of the Roxbury Motel. Image via the motel’s website.

The Roxbury Motel in Roxbury, New York 

The Catskill Mountains are another iconic vacation destination. Following the invention of the automobile, more people than ever could access the region’s lush forests and clean air. As the Catskills became more popular, its landscape became more crowded with motels. The Roxbury Motel is relatively new to the scene (it opened in 2006) but pays homage to the 20th century heyday of destination hotels. The Roxbury is particularly unique because each room is based on a different retro TV show or movie, like Breakfast at Tiffany’s, The Wizard of Oz, and The Flintstones, to name a few. My room of choice is “Maryann’s Coconut Cream Pie,” based on the country girl from Gilligan’s Island and her favorite dessert. I can’t decide if I want to let my head or my teeth sink into the whipped cream pillows first. Price ranges $182-$275 a night.

Lean into your own myths in the Roman Rendezvous suite. Image via Adventure Suites.

Adventure Suites in North Conway, New Hampshire

With log cabins, haunted manors, and spaceships, Adventure Suites might take the cake for the most diverse set of honeymoon suites. That’s probably why they are often included on lists for the best theme hotels in the world. I love “Roman Rendezvous” because of its unique spin on classic honeymoon suite staples. Some establishments will put a heart-shaped tub in an otherwise standard motel room and call their job done. And I’m thankful for that! A heart-shaped tub is way better than no heart-shaped tub. But Adventure Suites’ “Roman Rendezvous” goes the extra mile, with marble statues, ornate lamps, and a powdered blue domed ceiling to really craft a luxurious mood. “Roman Rendezvous” costs $399 a night.

It’s a boot! It’s a B&B! No, it’s a Boot B&B! Image via the bed and breakfast’s website.

The Boot B&B in Nelson, New Zealand

The last location on my list veers away from the mid-century Americana vibes of my other picks, but it is way too cute to exclude. The Boot B&B in rural New Zealand is the perfect fairytale fantasy. Imagine, if you will, an evening sipping wine by an open fire in a grove of hazelnut trees. You retire to your boot, walking up a spiral staircase to a queen sized bed. You sleep with the balcony doors open. You wake up and cozy up on the couch and drink a cup of coffee by the fireplace, early morning light glowing from the jauntily situated windows. The Boot’s website calls it the perfect place to escape from the “hurley burley of life.” It also appears to be the type of place where you become someone who uses phrases like “hurley burley.” In short, it’s my dream vacation destination. Move over, Old Woman, it’s my shoe now, and I plan to eat bread AND broth, thank you very much. The Boot B&B is available for $265 per night per couple.